My Uncle Rocco used to watch the test pattern until the station came on. He'd sit there while we ran around the room, yelling like banshees.

"Aren't you watching the kids?" Aunt Carmela would shout from the kitchen.
"Mnnnph," came the reply. Then he would take a sip of his Schlitz and continue watching the pattern.

I'm convinced that if they put on two squirrels making love, it would get ratings. Somewhere out there, there's this scientist guy who is working on this, I'm sure of it. You know, he's got two lab squirrels being fed those stupid pellets and forming a more perfect union. Meanwhile, there's this focus group watching on a monitor. The scientist guys have clipboards and they're marking things down as they watch these people through the two-way mirror.

"Are you even watching that TV?!" Aunt Carmela yelled.
"Mnnnph, yeah."

Grass growing wouldn't be much of a draw. I think TV needs action. Fish in a tank seems to make people happy. I think that someone blowing up balloons would be interesting. You know, you get a helium tank and some balloons and watch as they blow them up. Fascinating. Really. You never know when one is going to pop. Tension mounts. It's fascinating television.

But, nothing beats a good test pattern. I was always partial to the ones with the concentric circles myself. I think the ones with the rainbow bars are boring. Better still were the "please stand by" signs. A tape would get eaten in the machine and the station would put up this lobby card that had a cartoon face on it. The announcer would come on, "We're experiencing operating difficulties, please stand by". It would go on for a couple of minutes and we'd all be treated to Herb Alpert's "Tijuana Taxi".

Still, a good test pattern is golden.

"There's nothing on, what are you doing?"
"Mnnnph."

They've got infomercials on at two in the morning. There was never any programming on then back when I was growing up. It used to be they would give you the Star Spangled Banner and a sermonette and then stop broadcasting altogether. Not so anymore. They flood the airwaves with infomercials. I sat there, glassy-eyed, watching someone trying to sell me a potato something or other.

And then it hit me.

I've become my Uncle Rocco.

"Aren't you coming to bed?" she yelled from upstairs.
"Mnnnph," was my reply.

Vinny Badabing is a comedian from the New York Area

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